Day 2 Cycle 1 (400)

CURRENT THINSPIRATION 

*drool*

My desires in this conquest

*I want legs that do not touch when I walk

*I want a flat thin midsection

*I want tiny breasts

*I want long lean slender arms

*I want a thin slim face

*I want hip bones and collar bones that jutt out all the time

*I want NO back fat

*I want to be thin

Well goodmorning world. Or actually, goodmorning to myself, seeing as I am sure that I am the only one who is reading this lol. That is alright though, I need this place to help me, and help it does.

I have zero friends in this world, and zero family.

I moved far far away from where I came, to be alone, because my family could not respect accept my own personal wishes.

Now that I live far away, I will not be "hurting" them, they will not see me falling back into my own little happy world. I don't see how it hurts them anyways, for me to be happy. You think that it would make them happy. But oh well, its ok. :) I am on my way to being happy again. <3

My weight this morning was slightly less then yesterday, a small small victory. I will be posting my weight daily by showing a picture of my scale.

Here we are today.

4/9/2010 7:30 am

So yesterday was 185.4, and today is 184.2, which is a loss of

1.2 lbs

Which like I said, is a very small victory.

So I will be doing only water between meals, which will be...

a small bowl of cereal with soy milk, (200 calories) at 8:30 am

then, at 12:00 pm, I will have a bowl of veggie soup (110 calories)

Then I will bloat myself full of water until 4 or 5 pm, when I will have a HUGE lettuce salad with a table spoon of extemely low cal dressing (5 cals per tbsp), and a bowl of potato leek soup (90 calories)

Which equals a grand total of....

400 Calories! WHOOO!!

It actually works out to be a full three meals today, thats pretty neat. I don't know how I am going to eat as many as 800 calories in a day... I am to afraid to think about eating that much right now. But I don't have to think about that for a few more days, so it's ok.

Well I am going to go make my cereal now...

I am so lonely. :( I want a friend, that agrees with my thoughts and ideals.

Guess I will have to do some searching

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10:24 am

Blegh. I am bored. I just did about ten minutes of yoga. Ouch, I am severely non flexable these days, I really need to stretch, ALOT from now on before and after any workouts. Sometimes I feel like plain stretching is time wasted I could be working all of this fat off of my body, but I gotta do it or I will be in extreme pain during my workouts. I will figure out a balance to it all someday.

FITNESS LOG 4/9/2010

Yoga - 10 minutes

Aerobics - 30 minutes

Stretching - 10 minutes

TOTAL -50 minutes

Day 1 Cycle 1 (200)

CURRENT THINSPIRATION

My least favorite part of myself at the moment is my legs. My theighs touch, ok, they more than touch, they mold their fat together. They also balloon out on the outside. I WILL have skinny super thin legs again. I WILL be beautiful again. I WILL lose the weight.

Morning morning, and what a wonderful one it is? Ugh. I hate mornings, almost as much as I hate myself and my body. I am so extremely fat, LARDFACED. I took two pictures this morning, one of my side, and one of my front. I CANNOT believe that my weight has spiraled so out of control. I cannot stand it. If I don't lose the weight, I might as well not be alive. (don't think im suicidal, just pissed off) I am going to actually POST the pictures here so we can watch my weightloss. I will also post my weight as told by evil scale. I already feel the familiar hunger pangs this morning. I cherish those feelings might I add, they are the best feelings in the world. That little feeling of bile rising slowily into my throat, coating it with the feeling of thin. Every moment of hunger I don't consume, I know another small goal is reached. I will be working out daily in addition to the "diet". Everyday I will do at least 30 minutes of cardio, 30 minutes of walk/jogging, and 30 minutes of low weight high rep free weights.

Gulp here are my first pictures. I haven't taken any pictures of myself since I got out of the clinic. I am extremely dissapointed in myself. :( *tear*

Current Weight 8:30 am

4/8/2010 8:30 am

4/8/2010 8:30 am

If anyone is listening, please, tell me how discusting and fat I am, throw it in my face, be honest with me, so I can grow and change back into the beautiful being I once was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten o'clock and I am holding stong.

I will NOT eat over 200 calories today.
I will NOT eat over 200 calories today.
I will NOT eat over 200 calories today.
I will NOT eat over 200 calories today.
I will NOT eat over 200 calories today.

I have made (in the process of slow cooking) two different "hearty" vegetable soups this morning. I am a vegan, (have been for several years) and LOVE veggie soups. :) I have included the ingredients and calorie counts of both soups, so if you are interested you can also make some delicious vegetable soups.

Here are some pictures with the ingredients and calorie/nutrition breakdown.

Vegetable Medley

Potato Cabbage Leek Soup

These pictures are of the soups uncooked, I will also post a finished picture.

Veggies are very filling, and very very safe.

I would much rather fill up on some healthy food anyday instead of some crap junk like chocolate or cake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have just eaten my first delicious bowl of my vegetable medley soup, and I must say, it was extremely filling, delicious, spicy (I added a TON of seasonings, garlic powder, celery powder, onion powder, cayenne pepper flakes and ground black pepper) and wonderful. I only had a half a serving, possibly less, so I still have another bowl later if I want, along with another 90 calories :). It is noon and I feel full, like I just had a giant lunch. This is why I love veggie soups, haha! Here is the veggie soup in the pot finished and in my bowl.

As you can plainly see it cooks down quite a bit, and turns into a wonderful savory almost veggie minastrone.

Yummo.

It's hard to believe something so delicious can be so unbelievably low calorie. WHOO!

:) So I have had about 55 calories so far today, and probably 4 cups of water.

I am starting to feel better and realize that I really CAN do this again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So it is aproximately 4:34 pm at the moment. I have had another half bowl of my Vegetable Medley soup for a snack, and am enjoying a beautiful half bowl of my potato leek soup. mmmmmm. It is so warm in filling while being full of nothing calorie wise. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Here is a little snapshot :)

Lol I know it looks like oatmeal or something, but it is just mashed up potatoes, leeks and onions. I dont use ANY salt oil or butter, just loads and heaps of seasonings like pepper, cayenne pepper, garlic, bay leaf yada yada.

So calorie wise I am at 55+55+85 calories which equals

195 calories!!

I am done eating for the day. I know I will stay right where I am because I NEVER eat after dinner or have night time cravings. I guess I am just lucky that way. All of my cravings come at midday, around 1 or 2, when I am bored :\

It's ok though, blogging cures my boredum. <3

Tomorrow is a 400 calorie day, so I may throw in a roasted veggie sandwich or something.

Ummm... I haven't worked out yet today, but I am going to go start now and get it done in the next hour and a half.

Think skinny thoughts lovelys.

FITNESS LOG 4/8/2010

Cycling - 15 minutes
Eliptical - 15 minutes
Treadmill - 10 minutes
TOTAL - 40 minutes

(I am very much so out of shape, I tried desperately to do more to only collapse. I guess I need to work back up to my extreme work out abilities. I WILL get there though!)

A new beginning

Once long long ago, I was Alice, the beautiful, the thin, the perfect, the beauty.

I was actually thinspiration for many girls.

I have seen my own picture on many a pro ana website.

But then, the unthinkable happened...
I was thrown into a mandated "recovery" program, designed to make me fat

And thats when it happened, I was tube fed, and forced to leave ana.

I fell off the wagon.

So so so very very far off.

All I want in life is to get back on.

I have turned into my worst fear.

A fat fat fat disgusting pig.

Now I am Alice.

The whale.

Come along with me as I venture back out into the world of beauty, love, and thin.

Join me in 2468(0) repeat.

I will officially be starting first thing tomorrow morning, with the first day, of 200 calories.

I will be tracking ever bite i eat and tracking my weight daily and posting pictures weekly.

Wish me luck, I will need it!

Current Weight: 185

Height 5'8"


High Weight: 210

Low Weight: 98

Starting Weight: 185

Goal Weight 1: 170

Goal Weight 2: 155

Goal Weight 3: 140

Goal Weight 4:125

(Final) Goal Weight 5: 110

Perfect Weight: 95 lbs